For in those dreams of death, what sleep may come?

A couple of nights ago, I dreamed I was dying. Again.

One of the weird things about these dreams is that I don’t know I’m dreaming. For some people that may be the normal state of things, but I’m frequently a lucid dreamer; even if I don’t consciously (sub-consciously?) think “this is a dream,” I know I can change things what are happening in the dream. Dreams where I die… not so much.

I’m trying to remember whether I wrote about the last one on my livejournal- that was actually the only other “dying” dream I can remember having, though I’ve had many where it seemed like it was going to happen. In that one, we were in a car accident; I was in the back seat with Simon and Norah (they were babies at the time), and everything was going in slow-motion: the truck pulling into the intersection in front of us, feeling myself being thrown forward, being aware of my face smashing into the seat-back in front of me, the fireball rolling over the car. Sounds scary, right? It wasn’t. Not in the least, actually. In the dream, when I knew I was going to die, all I did was pray. I told God I was just going to trust him, and I asked him to take care of the babies. I don’t remember anything after that… maybe that was the end of the dream.

I don’t remember what happened last night. I think it was something very weird and surreal (was that redundant?), and it ended up with me heading toward this circle of white dots. I realized that when I passed through that circle, I was going to be dead, and facing whatever lay beynd that. I was a little scared, mostly of not knowing exactly what lay across that boundary. I prayed again, this time just trying to prepare for whatever was coming.

What’s strange is what I didn’t think about. I wasn’t worrying about AJ or my kids, and what was going to happen to them after I was gone. When I’m awake, if I think about dying, that’s what I think about. I think about my little guys not having a mom, about how AJ still needs me, what they’d do without me… but not in the dream. I hope there does come a point when those worries fade away, when a person is really dying. I hope there’s a time when you know that what’s going to happen is going to happen, and you can let the past go, trusting that things will be ok. Or not… but it’s not something you’re a part of anymore.

I’m rambling, and most of that probably doesn’t make any sense. But these are the kind of dreams that stick with you for a long time, and they take a while to digest. All I know is that ever since I had that first dream, I haven’t been afraid of dying. I still worry about the people I’d be leaving behind, especially my boys (all three of them), but I don’t worry about myself. I’m scared of pain, but not what comes after.

I’ll spare everyone a re-hash of my theory on death, which is probably a load of nonsense anyway- I’ve never done it, myself. If you want to read my previous ramblings on the sunject, that’s all here.

I gotta go- there’s Ike crying. I’ll edit this later- forgive the mistakes.

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